MAKE BELIEVE NEWS:
THE INTERNET — Millennials nationwide addicted to social media have decided they’ve had enough, specifically, of irresponsible adults telling them what to do. To the point, several million members of the 18-35-year-old population cohort declared in an unprecedented digital class-action suit, “You selfish assholes stole our future and we demand restitution.”
The online manifesto demands the following conditions be met immediately: “Apologize unconditionally for screwing our future; and establish a $100 trillion Planetary Survival Trust Fund.”
Filed in the Court of Public Opinion, the Millennials’ allegations are reposted on the Facebook page of each signee and read: “You Boomers, the so-called ‘Me Generation,’ are guilty of arrogance, ignorance and the following charges …”
- Destroying irreplaceable natural resources
- Saddling us with a nearly $20 trillion debt
- Wasting billions of dollars on counterproductive wars
- Disregarding the long-range impact of climate change
- Permitting us to waste too much time on social media and gaming
Comments on the viral post reinforce the intergenerational disdain, such as: “You joke that you’re spending your children’s inheritance when, in fact, we’ve inherited so much more – tons of pollution, trillions in debt and countless foreign enemies. You’re actually worthless. So, yeah, thanks for squat.”
Fearful of the movement’s exponential growth and potential influence, a coalition of government officials, law enforcers, clergy and a handful of parents have attempted to directly engage the younger generation in a meaningful exchange by tweeting: “We hear you and frankly we’re stunned. We had absolutely no idea you felt this way. We promise to make things better just as soon as possibl”
(MBN author’s note: It is true that “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” Please check out my satirical inspirations, “The Onion” and “The Borowitz Report.”)
Let me know when the change begins so I can do my part.