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Millennials Manifesto Ambushes Boomers

By August 19, 2016Make Believe News


THE INTERNET — Millennials nationwide addicted to social media have decided they’ve had enough, specifically, of irresponsible adults telling them what to do. To the point, several million members of the 18-35-year-old population cohort declared in an unprecedented digital class-action suit, “You selfish assholes stole our future and we demand restitution.”

The online manifesto demands the following conditions be met immediately: “Apologize unconditionally for screwing our future; and establish a $100 trillion Planetary Survival Trust Fund.”

Filed in the Court of Public Opinion, the Millennials’ allegations are reposted on the Facebook page of each signee and read: “You Boomers, the so-called ‘Me Generation,’ are guilty of arrogance, ignorance and the following charges …”

  • Destroying irreplaceable natural resources
  • Saddling us with a nearly $20 trillion debt
  • Wasting billions of dollars on counterproductive wars
  • Disregarding the long-range impact of climate change
  • Permitting us to waste too much time on social media and gaming

Comments on the viral post reinforce the intergenerational disdain, such as: “You joke that you’re spending your children’s inheritance when, in fact, we’ve inherited so much more – tons of pollution, trillions in debt and countless foreign enemies. You’re actually worthless. So, yeah, thanks for squat.”

Fearful of the movement’s exponential growth and potential influence, a coalition of government officials, law enforcers, clergy and a handful of parents have attempted to directly engage the younger generation in a meaningful exchange by tweeting: “We hear you and frankly we’re stunned. We had absolutely no idea you felt this way. We promise to make things better just as soon as possibl”

(MBN author’s note: It is true that “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” Please check out my satirical inspirations, “The Onion” and “The Borowitz Report.”)



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