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Looks Can No Longer ‘Kill,’ Court Rules

By July 22, 2016Make Believe News


BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Ugly people can no longer be discriminated against. The state Supreme Court ruling today struck down the common law practice of judging people by their looks.

For all intents and purposes, the high court ruled, “Looks cannot kill.” Employers and business establishments will now be fined and potentially even prosecuted for giving either prejudicial or preferential treatment to individuals based on their physical appearance.

The culture-changing decision favored the self-identified “ugly” plaintiff who argued the male owner of an upscale Rodeo Drive retailer hired a beautiful, voluptuous woman to the position for which he applied in spite of his far superior qualifications.

The high court’s opinion defined “looks” based on social norms for reasonable facial features, hairstyle and body size and shape — regardless of surgical enhancements.

The American Cosmetic Surgery and Dermatology Association, which filed a brief with the court in defense of the common law, decried the ruling as un-American. “This abomination, we still contend, amounts to reverse discrimination,” an association spokesperson said. “Now people who make themselves beautiful will no longer receive the attention and special treatment they deserve.”

Individuals across the country who have in the past been spurned, slighted and ignored based on their appearance took to social media to applaud the ruling.

“I feel vindicated after years of persecution,” comedian Carrot Top tweeted. “Orange and ugly was not my choice yet I have suffered for it both professionally and personally.”

“Racism, sexism, ageism, now imagism; we’ve turned the final corner on discrimination,” attorney Gloria Allred exalted on Snapchat.

This veiled threat, “Now that all things are considered equal, we expect endorsement opportunities to come rolling in,” was posted on the Facebook page for professional women’s tennis players.

And Khloe Kardashian and her sisters separately tweeted, “Those Supreme judges can kiss my now worthless ass!”

(MBN author’s note: It is true that “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” Please check out my satirical inspirations, “The Onion” and “The Borowitz Report.”)


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