Trump threatens MLB Latinos with tariffs, deportations

MAKE BELIEVE NEWS

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what is arguably his foulest call yet, President Donald Trump is threatening to impose a 1,000 percent tariff on each Latino player in Major League Baseball. “Baseball is America’s Pastime not Latin America’s,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “Too many ballers come from Shithole Countries and don’t even speak English. It’s UNAMERICAN!” Trump’s profane rant then invoked the names of two of the game’s most notoriously racist owners. “Marge Schott and Tom Yawkey are rolling over in their graves.”

The president’s rancorous Truth Social post warned: “MLB has 2 weeks to follow My Very Fair Orders. If these GREAT new rules are not followed, Beisbollers will be hit with 1000% tariffs and mass deportations. 1) All players must speak fluent English. 2) All players must Americanize their names. It was good enough for Bob Clemente. 3) Every player’s walk-up song must now be the very manly ‘YMCA.’ 4) To avoid confusion, a limit of one player per roster with the surname Rodriguez, Ramirez or Cruz. 5) New MLB CZAR DONALD TRUMP!”

No enforcement plan (or explanation) has been presented by the administration. Thus far fear of retribution and more draconian sanctions appear to be quashing official responses from MLB executives, team owners and the players association. However, vociferous claims of racism, xenophobia and extortion — laced with expletives and the trending tag “FDT!” — are dominating sports talk and socials.

Among his late night flurry of random judgment calls, Trump also unsubtly declared, “The too dark NBA needs to lighten up!” And this, “How about that WNBA hottie Sophie Cunningham. They say she likes MAGA and ME!” And lastly, “GOLF is The GREAT WHITE HOPE!!!”

Latino players comprise over a quarter of MLB’s rosters, more than 100 alone from the Dominican Republic. “If Trump’s bullshit goes into effect, it’s game over,” one superstar who asked not to be identified warned. “Even if we could still field a team, we’d plain suck.” Of the players, management and fans asked for comment, the consensus is Trump’s inexplicable tariffs and race-based deportations would end baseball as we know it. Beyond the blatant political pandering, Trump’s motivation may very well be a throwback to his childhood. “This is pure and petty revenge for always being picked last at recess,” posted a grade school classmate of Trump, who swore, “Donnie was and always will be a loser.”