MAKE BELIEVE NEWS:
MARYSVILLE, OH – A lone prickly thistle in the middle of what was once an uncultivated weed-infested field is suing Ortho, the makers of Weed-B-Gon, on behalf of the surrounding, chemically exterminated growth.
“This is genocide,” the sole defiant weed claimed. “That I survived is a miracle; I am compelled now to shed light on this barbaric company’s historic devastation and total disregard for life.”
“Not so fast,” lawyers for the Marysville, Ohio-based Ortho wrote, in a document appealing to the court to dismiss the suit as a nuisance. “Everyone knows, regardless of what our label guarantees, within a few weeks the weeds will be flourishing once again.”
The presiding judge disagreed with the chemical company a strongly worded statement: “For far too long, society has turned a blind eye to your systematic killing. Regardless of how noxious, wild and universally irritating weeds may be, all forms of life deserve due process.”
The weed is seeking a formal apology from Ortho, and aeration and fertilizer as restitution.
Gardeners, landscapers and nursery owners have joined in Ortho’s defense, warning that a ruling for the plaintiff would create weed-infested earth upon which inferior crabgrass, nettle and other noxious, undesirable growths would indiscriminately intermingle with more cultivated turf and plant-life.
Water conservation activists flashed “Drought Dodger” signs outside the courthouse in apparent support for the weed. Nearby, a confused group of “Legalize marijuana” protestors misappropriated the cause altogether.