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Fork and Spoon Disavow ‘Spork’


SYRACUSE, NY – Two of the most prominent pieces of flatware in the United States, the fork and spoon, have officially disavowed any connection with the upstart hybrid cutlery, the so-called “spork.”

“This so-called utensil has made a mockery of traditional flatware,” the fork said. “No one should be forced to stab a piece of steak with those silly little tines. Or have to eat soup with such a jagged edged monstrosity.”

“Don’t get me started on pudding and ice cream,” the spoon added.

The fork, spoon and knife (which to this point has not taken sides) have graced American tables for more than 200 years. Thus far the two disparaged cutlery essentials have ignored the century-old spork’s feeble attempts to horn in on their place-settings. However, with increasing usage by backpackers and soldiers, the original pieces felt obliged to distance themselves from the thing they deemed “disorderly” and “lame.”

“Stay off our tables and out of our homes, restaurants, stadiums, picnics and campsites,” the militant fork warned.

Asked to respond, a spokesperson for the besieged spork restated the hybrid’s long-standing claim to be a “cute alternative.”

(MBN author’s note: It is true that “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” Please check out my satirical inspirations, “The Onion” and “The Borowitz Report.”)



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