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Contractor Completes Job On Time

By June 10, 2016March 6th, 2021Make Believe News, Random/Rants


BUFFALO, NY – News of the construction anomaly spread faster than a roofer with his nail gun. The Buffalo resident’s bathroom remodel was satisfactorily completed on schedule and on budget. The contractor and homeowner were delighted and confused. “This has never, ever happened in my 20-plus years in construction,” Ralston Jefferson said. “Don’t get me wrong, I always think it’ll happen; something always comes up.”

The City of Buffalo Building Permits Authority confirmed signoff on the finished project. “We were as surprised as everyone,” the inspector said. “Usually contractors start with the best of intentions, but then begin juggling several jobs … or just don’t show up.”

“Today I took a dump in my new bathroom,” exalted homeowner Don Neumann, who hired R.J. Construction for what he assumed was a fairly simple remodel. “R.J. estimated three weeks to do the work. Even though that timeframe seemed more than reasonable, based on past experiences with other contractors I doubled the time. And I set aside a few thousand dollars for surprises.”

“We’re overjoyed by this extraordinary accomplishment,” Neumann wrote in a “five-star” Yelp review. In response to the deluge of comments following the novel post, Jefferson said, “Until they’re not, I expect all jobs to be completed on schedule and budget.” Two smiley face emojis accompanied the reply. It is unclear whether it was an oversight that Neumann left unmarked the box on whether he would recommend R.J. Construction.

(MBN author’s note: It is true that “Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.” Please check out my satirical inspirations, “The Onion” and “The Borowitz Report.”)


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