Stoop Wit and Other ‘Lexiconveniences’

How many times have you thought of the perfect comeback after leaving the conversation? Only it’s too late, you’re already out the door, standing on the stoop out front. A French philosopher called such a missed opportunity l’esprit de l’escalier — in English meaning “escalator wit” or “staircase wit.” If only I remembered what Medhi Hasan or Jackson Lamb or Shakespeare said in a comparable situation — while in the moment instead of afterwards. Should you be surprised or likelier relieved that this fate is so commonly suffered that a phrase has been coined to describe it, then you will appreciate The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by John Koenig.

              The Dictionary features hundreds of similarly random and seemingly unique thoughts, situations and emotions for which the book’s author conveniently assigns made-up words. A popular example, “sonder,” which is based on the French word meaning to “plumb the depths,” describes how while we each consider ourself to be the center of our own story, everyone surrounding us also has a story beyond our interaction.

“Lexiconvenience” is the vocabulary of handy shortcuts. The following examples are humbly entered to help abbreviate and alleviate some otherwise long-winded explanations. Webster’s standards aside, some may even their keep with writers, narrators … and blatherers.

Blatherer — The sort of person to whom you desperately want to plead: “Land the plane” or “STOP TALKING!” (aka, “oxygen thief”)

Dejamnesia — Coincidence of déjà vu and amnesia (like the panicky feeling from leaning back precariously on the hind legs of a chair); remembering something you forgot, again and again

Pragmatruistic — Exploiting the coincidence of public interest and private gain; making good pay (the essence of the public relations profession)

Secreate — Secreting a creative idea until it is more fully formed for fear that negative feedback might discourage or derail your momentum

Drone attach — When you politely smile at a stranger in line only to be assaulted with nonstop blather

Bygoner — The feeling of being utterly irrelevant and certain you are not missed when absent (versus the surprise of learning that you are frequently thought of in your absence)

Facescape — The conceit of not trying to hide your facial expression, which speaks volumes about your genuine disinterest or disdain

Dumbedge — Answering an obviously dumb question without making the asker feel foolish for asking

Nomattering — Obsessing over how a comment or conversation was wrongly received, only to discover later the person never gave it a second thought

Prememory — In the middle of a wonderful experience wishing it was over and already catalogued as a great memory

Agelessness — Never feeling as though you are age-appropriate — either too young or too old to fit in

Sometimers — Forgetting whether you just did something, like shampoo your hair, check your phone’s weather app, take your vitamin, salt your food (Note: This happens to people of all ages.)

Omnijudgment — Wishing an omnipotent, on-call judge could objectively weigh the evidence of an interminable argument and debate

Egocheck — When you realize your unique qualities do not make you indispensable, neither professionally nor personally

Nuclear ask — Determining it is best not to know the answer to a seriously obsessive question for fear the wrong answer could be worse than not knowing

Rememory — A frequently recalled memory; a random life experience that seemed inconsequential in the moment, but unconsciously squatted in some backroom of your mind only to inexplicably and regularly reappear for no good reason

Horizone —An interminable trip with nothing to see but boring, endless road (“I can see tomorrow!”)

Thick-wit(ted) — The toxic mix of arrogance and ignorance; pathologically egotistical and uncurious; referred to as the Dunning-Kruger effect — someone so self-assured they cannot recognize their own stupidity, incompetence or deficiency

Wake up dead — The ideal, uneventful transition to death

Conversation thief — Someone who turns your story into theirs (ex. “That reminds me of when I went to Paris for, let’s see, the seventh time …”)

Ageist diagnosis — “You are getting older” is not a diagnosis (ex. Do not arbitrarily accept “aging” as a medical condition or excuse)

Love math — The joyful realization that your parental love multiplies with each new child rather than divides

Space invader — Individual who crowds your personal space; spatial ignoramus (ex. at party, public restroom, Costco)

Dartable — Targeted (as though shot by a dart gun) for raging or rude driving behavior

Social décor — Trying to simply blend in to a social setting — enough so that you don’t call attention by looking conspicuously awkward or bored; intentionally hiding in plain sight

Languagency — To respect anyone who is smart enough and ambitious enough to learn a second/another language — regardless of how tortured their presentation may be

Naming rite — The verbal gymnastics of effortlessly switching the name, title or designation of a person depending on the audience; primarily used with children when alternating between given name, Mom/Dad, Grandma/Grandpa (Relatedly, how your child realizes “Your name isn’t Mom?” or “Grandma is your Mom?”)

Againagain — The inevitable appeal kids gleefully make immediately after having to be cajoled to go on a scary ride

Humble Sky — The ultimate humbling experience: to look skyward and give a second thought to the incomprehensibility of farthest outer space

A FINAL WORD: Lexiconvenience can definitely serve as a useful communication tool. Conversely, it is also fair to say there are times when a more roundabout explanation does greater justice to a complex emotion or thought. But, should your self-awareness catch you making a short story too long, maybe take a beat to consider how you might wordsmith that beastly circumlocution into submission.