1. Expect to be asked if your kid is in the band.
2. Go with the assumption you are a record exec or A&R guy/gal checking out the band.
3. Don’t bother getting there early to beat the herd to a seat — there are no seats.
4. Skip the opening bands. The odds are infinitesimally remote they’ll be the next big thing or even not annoying.
5. The merch table will be out of the size shirt you want, no matter the size, which is ironic since you’re usually the only paying customer.
6. Do not ask the space-invader in front of you to please sit down. Instead, offer to buy him a drink. (Guys, under no circumstance allow your wife or girlfriend to confront a jerk. You will become the target of his disdain.)
7. Do not bother referencing a band’s obvious influence or derivation. No one will relate or care.
8. If you happen to meet another couple your age, expect to become friends for life.
9. The sound mixer always thinks the audience gives a crap about the snare drum. They don’t.
10. Remind yourself, the power-hungry bouncer is just a worthless turd by day.
11. There is a fine line between a lead singer who is a charismatic superstar-in the-making or an affected poser. It’s not your role to make that call.
12. The VIP lounge is never an option.